My expectations are generally set way too high and I feel a lot of guilt when I can't keep up with day-to-day activities. I get overwhelmed very easily. This is probably true of many people with chronic illnesses. We try to compete with "normalcy". Therefore, I've been trying to change my way of thinking and accomplishing things for quite some time. These are the areas that I experience great difficulty. I think that my years of having a job that I had to be organized and scheduled have paid their toll on me. I'm just not that person any more.....and that bothers me. I haven't been that person for at least 20 years.
Have you ever been upset but really can’t figure out why? I can’t explain or understand the reason, but for quite some time I have been upset at the world. I am in what some people might call a “funk.” This is where no matter what you do or what good happens you can’t seem to be happy. When I get these feelings, I try to change my attitude and snap out of it, and I ask myself why am I feeling this way? When I experience these feelings, I sit up straight, take a long deep cleansing breath, then smile and think "I really am basically happy with my life". I tell myself that I need to get out.....get out and do some shopping, just be around people, but when I get in a "funk" like I have been, the last thing on my mind is going out in public and mingling. I just don't feel well and applying makeup is just too much of an effort (getting out is just too much of an effort). So either I go out without makeup, which is really no big deal, but I don't feel as good about myself as I do with it on. I feel "polished" and "dressed" when I am all spiffed up in a nice outfit and jewelry.
My husband tries his best to get me interested in the world around me. We have a lovely yard that we are landscaping (I help plan and he does the hard work, which he enjoys), and we're remodeling our ranch home (again I help to plan the projects and he does the hard work, which he enjoys). In order to push through the "funk", I have been halfheartedly agreeing to venture outside of my four walls hoping that an outing will snap me out of it. So far it has not helped. Or if it does, it only fixes the problem short-term. Sometimes going out actually makes it worse. Being amongst a bunch of able-bodied people bothers me. Jealousy? You bet! When I see people walking around and being active I wish I could join them. I become envious and resentful. I can't do what they're doing because of my body's widespread pain, weakness, heat intolerance, lack of balance, stamina, and my biggest nemesis, fatigue. This reality ruins the purpose of the entire outing. As usual, I seem to play a mere observer.
I try hard to have a healthy outlook and try to focus on what I "can do", but that "trick" can only take me so far before I begin to reminisce about the "old days". The measures I used in the past to stop the “funk” aren’t as effective anymore. My attempts at outside excursions have fallen short and thinking happy thoughts seem more like a cliché than a remedy. Everything seems more difficult to me. My “new normals” are coming faster than I can accommodate; faster than I bargained for.
I am so blessed, and grateful, to have friends that understand my weaknesses and limitations. They understand if, at the last moment, I don't feel like doing anything. God has definitely had His hand in giving me good Christian friends.....and I am also blessed that He gave me such a loving Christian husband that is so patient, kind, supportive, and also understands. I know that "my being the way I am" has to be very hard on him, and I feel badly about that. But I don't know what I'd do without any of them, or what I would do without God in my life. Even though I am very grateful for everything I have and for how God has blessed me, my chronic illnesses do not make this road any easier for me. I just live day to day and am thankful for every one of them.
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