Don't you know that, Mom?

Dear Mom,

Is it wrong of me to be happy and at peace that you're in heaven now, Mom? I feel guilty for feeling this way. You know how much I love you and miss you, don't you know that, Mom? And don't you know how much I wanted you to feel better when you were here? I'd go to your home and you'd be in so much pain that it tore me apart. I would just get wore out, trying to think of a way to make you feel better.

Whenever I called you and asked you how you were feeling, I"d hold my breath, hoping that you were doing better, but I knew I'd hear the stinging words of "Oh I hurt so bad." Mom, I'd ask you what you were doing and you'd reply "I'm just sitting here" or "I've been sleeping all day". I wanted so much to make you feel better, so that you would be able to get in my car again and go for a country drive and have lunch at the restaurant in Bernadotte. There'd be times I'd call you and you were hurting so badly and couldn't get up with your walker to do anything. I was so afraid  you'd fall. I just felt completely helpless. I wanted you to feel better so badly, don't you know that Mom?

Mom, I did what I thought was right for you. You sprained your ankle in the early fall and had to be put in the nursing home. You know that I put you there so you could get better don't you Mom? You were such a strong woman, doing the exercises in the rehabilitation program. You tried so hard and I was so proud of you. Your ankle got a little bit better, but I knew you couldn't be by yourself any more in your house, even though you got upset and wanted to go home so badly. I found a nice place for you to stay.....where you'd have your own room, some of your own furniture and things, with nurses taking care of you and meals provided in the dining room. I thought you'd be happier there than you were in the nursing home. I think you really tried to be, but it never was home for you, was it. You'd just sit in your room, and didn't even want to watch anything on television, though I tried to encourage you to watch Wheel of Fortune or some of the shows you used to watch.

Mom, please try to understand that only God knew what was right for you. He knew you were getting tired and hurt so badly. You ended up with some bronchitis/pneumonia that just would never completely go away. You'd go to the hospital and they'd treat you, and then you'd go back to your little room.

Please try to understand, Mom, that whenever my phone rang, how my heart would turn wrong side out, and my heart would race, fearing the worst. Don't you know that, Mom? I worried so much about you.

Until that last time you went into the hospital. Your congestive heart failure and kidney failure was just too much for your body to handle. You became so weak and weary. I know you couldn't understand what was going on. I know you couldn't understand why you had to be in the hospital for so many days. It just broke my heart to see you lying there. I didn't want you to see or hear me cry, so I'd leave your side. I tried to make you as comfortable and pain-free as possible, Mom, because I love you so much. I knew that you could never get well. I think you thought that you could get better, and go back home. But God knew better. He had great plans for you, Mom. And I think you know that now. I think you realize that it was God's time for you to go.

Please remember Mom, how much I've loved you and will always love you. I sit here now with a big lump in my throat and tears welling up in my eyes. I don't want to feel guilty for trying my best to take care of you and do what I thought was right for you. I don't want to feel guilty for knowing that you're happier in heaven. I didn't want you to die, don't you know that Mom? If I'd have had my way, you'd have been here forever with me, but be able to walk and feel better like you used to. I don't want to feel guilty about having feelings of wanting you to go home to heaven to be with Jesus. I just didn't want you to hurt like you had been hurting. I didn't want to hear you say that you were short-of-breath. Please forgive me Mom.....I don't want to feel guilty. You know that I love you so very much and that I miss you, don't you know that, Mom?

Love you always and forever,
Kathy  xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

P.S. I love you more