I sadly have many regrets
As I became very weak
I was no longer strong
I was traumatized
And lost most of my independence
I quickly declined and became more ill
All because of how I was treated
When I started dating a man
In the year of 2008
My heart grew to deeply care about him
And I was hoping his little family
Would love me that much too
But instead of being loved like I wanted
I was bullied
Scrutinized and judged
Laughed at, put down
Verbally attacked
All quietly done in secret
Behind his turned back
Just like they wanted
As I was from the other side of the track
I gave up
And quit trying
Everything went downhill
I just wanted a real family
With kids and grandkids
Since I was unable to have my own
I thought it would get better
Thought time would heal the pain
But it didn’t at all
Just like my health
It all just took a turn for the worse
And I experienced no gains
I look back now and wish
I had been stronger
Had stood and spoken up
Had overcome their abuse
Had handled it differently
But turn the other cheek they say
Be the bigger person
So I kept quiet and prayed
But all I ever wanted
Was a real family
Abuse is a killer
Trauma is a killer
Stress is a killer
All I ever wanted vanished
My heart was crushed
Babies were snatched from my arms
Toddlers no longer sat on my lap
Five and six year olds did not understand why
Where did she go?
Will she come back and play?
Papa please bring her with you next time.
Holidays are now spent alone
And have no meaning
His kids and grandkids
Are far away and we are home alone
He goes to his family gatherings
And I stay home
Many years have slowly gone by
I have no memories of happy parties
Or presents and gooey cakes
No laughter or kissing boo-boos
No hugs or sticky kisses
Or hearing the words “I love you”
Refrigerator door is empty and bears no photos
Or squiggly drawings colored with love
For grandma has an empty heart
No cookies to bake
No bedtime stories to tell
About Jesus, flowers and bugs
Or snuggly kittens, warm puppies and snakes
No giggles or warm fuzzy hearts
No zoos, or swings or picnics
No making snow angels or tarts
For grandma has an empty heart
I sit by the window
Through dull eyes I see
What should have been
Instead of seeing happy memories
My eyes are brimming with tears
That are burning and searing down my cheeks
For a grandma’s heart
Should be filled with a child’s love
And not full of empty aches and pain
I have a grandma’s heart
That should overflow
With the love from pink chubby cheeks
And little arms around my neck
Having so much love to give
My heart bursts open wide
And emptiness resides instead
Watching life as it passes me by
Still wishing I had been stronger
But wishing will not change
The hurt of what should have been
Will always last a lot longer
Instead of having children in my life
I fill it with purrs from sweet kitties
And a husband that loves me
I know he has his own regrets
As he has to wish things were different
But no matter how much illness comes my way
He is always there by my side
As we whittle the time away
Though the pain never leaves my heart
And time does not heal
For grandma has an empty heart
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