Journey

 ✳️ Lyme and faith journey: Every day I get out of bed and wonder why; no matter what my “attitude” is, I already know how difficult the day is going to be. Even though I feel weak, achy, my ankle and shin hurting like heck, serious joint pain, and feeling feverish, I drag myself to the kitchen and try to be a human being. I sit at the kitchen island literally gagging down my disgusting gluten-free toast and organic peanut butter with my glass of water. I then literally gag down my antibiotics. I swear those bottles keep automatically refilling as the pills seem to never go down. Then I eat a small bowl of dry unsweetened gluten-free cereal to try to avoid further stomach upset. You know how you try to swallow something and your throat tightens up and it doesn’t want to go down? You get a sick feeling in your gut? Yeah, that’s it. Every single time when I’m eating that toast and peanut butter. But again, it’s been that way now for all kinds of food. It’s a struggle to eat which I only do for sustenance. And treatment has only just begun. 

✳️ It’s all extremely difficult. My Lyme-literate doctor previously suggested I wait until fall to start antibiotic treatment, so I could enjoy the summer. I replied fall is our time of the year to get out and enjoy so I’d prefer to wait until then. He agreed. 

✳️ But my tick-borne diseases again raised their demonic heads and I became extremely sick, so this past spring is when the treatment officially started. These two antibiotics I’m taking are only Phase 1. 

✳️ Here it is June 29th and Brian and I haven’t had one country drive or picnic. Going stir-crazy doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. And the clincher: I’m pretty sure I’m going to be this sick at least the rest of the year, probably longer. 

✳️ I only know that through my massive trials, pain, and anger, if I don’t run to Jesus and lean into His truth, I’m sunk. I don’t always “feel” the words that I’m crying out; but I know the Lord understands me through and through as I blunder and whisper my words of despair and my words of worship and praise to Him. I also know the truth that He is near to the brokenhearted; and that gives me such hope. For those things I’m most grateful. I beg for Him to remind me of His sacrifice for each of us that is a cross we never could have borne. I just have to focus my eyes on Jesus or I will literally shrivel to nothingness and go crazy. I don’t want to become a bitter, narcissistic individual, but in my fleshly nature, that’s my tendency. I’m just trying to fight that like a lot of you are. We are in this battle together and Satan is our enemy.  

✳️ It’s a journey we’re all on; just like the Israelites were—praising Jesus, following Him wholeheartedly, forgetting His promises, getting overwhelmed and sinning, becoming aware of our sinfulness, and so the cycle goes. Thankfully, we serve a God that truly is loving and gracious and patient with us as we go through that journey, and His Word says that there is no temptation that has seized us that is not common to man. So we all struggle, and the Lord also understands and has been tempted in every way like we are. He didn’t want to endure pain and suffering any more than we want to endure our pain and suffering. He graciously draws us back to Him; walks by our side; never leaves us. He gives us the space we need to grieve.