~~MUSINGS~~

 ~~MUSINGS~~

⚡️  In the past I never shared with anyone about my desires. They were always buried deep inside my soul. I bottled up every emotion I ever had. 

⚡️ I was sadly unable to bear children due to a couple of medical conditions. I have been told by my Lyme practitioner that my tick-borne diseases were the main factor. If by some miracle I had become pregnant, the baby would not have made it past the first trimester because of an antibody I have. I had to have a hysterectomy in my thirties, which should have been done in my twenties. 

⚡️ It has been almost 50 years and these sweet names still break my heart. I had chosen the name for a girl as Sarah Elizabeth or if I had twins it would have been Sarah and Elizabeth (Beth). For a boy my choice was Charles (after my dad) Benjamin or if I’d had twin boys it would have been Charles (Charlie) and Benjamin (Ben). 

⚡️ Sadly adoption was never an option for me. Unbeknownst to me, my first ex absolutely detested children and he had the audacity to tell me I would be a terrible Mother, you can’t even take care of your cat. I was shocked! He took care of cats; he shot them. My second ex was adamantly against adoption and would not even consider it. In my present marriage all three of his adult children have nothing to do with me. 

⚡️We plan our lives like we control what happens; but in reality, we have zero control. Do I still mourn over my losses? You betcha. Whenever I see a sweet little girl or boy’s face. Whenever I hear the laughter and see families out together. When I hear people talking about their children in real life or on social media. Seeing children is a reminder of what I never had so I try my best to set my mind on something else. The angst never leaves my heart; and the torment and pain run deep.  

⚡️Sometimes when I’m in a pensive mood, I wonder if God protected me and my unborn child by not being able to conceive. Tick-borne diseases can be passed in utero to the baby. If I had passed any of these insidious diseases to my unborn baby I would have been absolutely devastated. Though I do have to wonder why adoption wasn’t an option for me. I know God always knows best and He never makes mistakes. I have to accept that He already knew I’d be very ill most all of my life. 

⚡️I have never fully accepted the way this has turned out for me. As I get older I’m more lonely than I’ve ever been. Hearing the sounds of my own children and grandchildren laughing and playing I’ll never have the pleasure to experience. I’m very thankful for my kitties, and loving and caring for them helps me with my maternal instincts. I believe God is showing me some of His love through all the cats I’ve had over the years. 

⚡️ Life can be a sad and painful journey. Better things await when I spend eternity with Jesus ❤️