HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, Episode 71–08/25/2024

 HOLLY’S CAT LETTER 

Episode 71–08/25/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. Hope this finds you enjoying yourSunday. Ma and Pa have been sorta kinda complaining aboutthe heat. It’s supposed to be hotter yet the next few days. There’s something going on called an excessive heat watch? I heard Pa tell Ma we’re supposed to have a heat index of 111° on Tuesday. As many times as the vile weatherman has been wrong with forecasts, I don’t know why he couldn’t screw up this one! But I don’t mind that it’s hot—they’ll both be in the house more taking care of me. 

🐱 I still haven’t been feeling very well. I didn’t eat much yesterday morning and didn’t eat one bite last night for supper. I just laid around and felt lethargic. Ma is trying to stay calm since we kitties feed off our human’s emotions. I know how much she loves me and wants me to feel better. 

🐱 Ma is happy to report that I ate almost my normal amount this morning. I’ve been up and around roaming my territory looking for vile beasts. I saw Stumpy our resident squirrel early this morning and another younger squirrel that Ma likes. This particular squirrel’s tail is fluffy and shorter but appears to be flat, like a beaver’s tail. I don’t want to think about what could have caused that. She and Stumpy were gallivanting all over the yard gorging themselves on hazelnuts and burying some. They are fun to watch though I do keep a keep a close eye on both to make sure they behave.

🐱 Ma has been itching to get her paint supplies out. I don’t mind that she paints but when it gets to be hours and hours I get aggravated. After two hours I get right up in her face to let her know it’s time for ME! I value my Ma time!  

🐱 Any way, hopefully Ma will be able to carefully try some painting tomorrow. She thinks her thumb could handle it then. She’s also anxious to buy a couple good quality sable brushes. Thankfully they’re not made of my cat fur! The brushes she has now are synthetic, but she didn’t want to spend a lot of money on supplies until she knew if she’d enjoy painting. Maybe she’ll paint me some day but I know there’s no way she could ever capture my beauty! 

🐱 Stay cool today! Maybe eat some yummy rainbow sherbet or a popsicle to cool off. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, Episode 70–08/24/2024

 HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

Episode 70–08/24/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. I trust this message finds you at home relaxing after such a vile week. All is well at my house. 

🐱 I spent most of my day Wednesday at the vile vet’s office. Ma and Pa had the audacity to snatch me away before I even had my breakfast! I starved all day long while being poked and prodded, sometimes in places I care to not divulge. I had to stay in a wire cage, pee in a cup, and withstand having my beautiful fur on my neck shaved off so I could have this vile needle stabbed in me to take out half my precious blood. Now Ma is calling me “skinny neck”. How degrading is that! I heard the vet tell Ma and Pa that I have something called early stage kidney disease so I’m on even more vile medications. Plus I still have a UTI so I had more needles. I heard the vile vet tell Ma and Pa I need to come back in two weeks for yet another needle. Not if they can’t catch me!!

🐱 Ma’s new goal is to try to lose some weight. She has no idea how much she has gained but I told her that struggling to pull up her pants is a good indication she needs to do something drastic. She blames it on inflammation. I told her I don’t see anyone forcing those spoonfuls of ice cream into her mouth. I keep my weight around a svelte 8 pounds! 

🐱 In other news, Ma informed Pa this morning that it's getting close to the time to begin Fall Cleaning. Though I don’t think she recalls that the annual Spring Cleaning hasn’t happened yet. It’s getting close to where she has Pa pull out all the pumpkiny crap and other obnoxious junk to begin the process of piling up holiday decor all around my house. She wastes countless hours in this endeavor. While I love that Fuzzy Sock Nights are quickly approaching, I dread all the "holiday decorating" that Fall and Christmas brings. It takes up so much of my time to go behind Ma as she sets stuff out and knock it all onto the floor. I really wish she would do us all a favor and not set it all out this year.

🐱 I hope you all have a fun weekend. Please take some time to find joy...even in the little things. More about me later…love, Holly

Watercolors

🎨 I have always loved watercolors. Whenever I find myself in an art gallery I am drawn to the paintings. I find the colors and patterns bleeding into one another as being a cathartic experience. I relate them to my own feelings running into one another—the fear bleeding into the joy, the pain bleeding into encouragement. Life is a myriad of contradictions. 

🎨 Something  happens inside of me when I dip that brush into the bowl of water and generously daub it over the paper to prepare it for magic. And then allowing the colors to drip from my brush onto the bare paper and watching something lovely being created. All the colors begin swirling together into a flower or leaf. 

🎨 Since I started dabbling in my own watercolor journey, I have found a significant release from stress, anxiety, pain from my past traumas and abuse, and I have been  more at peace. 

🎨 My only regret is I that I didn’t pick up a brush many, many years ago. 

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 69–08/15/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

Episode 69–08/15/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. It’s been awhile so I thought I had better catch you all up on my exciting life. It’s been a quiet and uneventful day. 

🐱 Since I’ve been taking my kitty cocktail twice a day instead of an “as needed” basis, I’ve been eating like a racehorse. Ma is concerned that I have been sleeping a lot more than “my normal” and is going to address that with my vile vet at my appointment next Wednesday. She’s hoping it’s just side effects of one of the drugs in my cocktail causing me to sleep so much. I’m certainly not looking forward to seeing vile Dr. Shawn. He’ll be poking me with that nasty needle to get blood out of me and pressing my bladder to get me to pee in a little container. It’s so hard being me! 

🐱 Speaking of vile—Ma and Pa had the audacity to have these vile people enter my peaceful abode yesterday. I was comfortably snoozing away on my favorite chair in the dining room when the lady came in. Oliver took off and hid when he heard the doorbell—he’s such a fraidy cat. I gave her the stink eye and a stern look but it didn’t faze her one iota. I eventually allowed her to pet me as she uttered some soothing soft words. Oliver had the gall to head bunt her hand as she petted him! He’s such a sucker for a pretty lady! 

🐱 I hope you all take it easy tonight and begin to prepare your heart and gird your loins for the final day of the week. I plan to sniff some nip and get some quality meditation while getting a full-body massage from Ma. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 68–08/02/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

Episode 68–08/02/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. It’s Friday which means calories don’t count. Indulge in a dish of yummy rhubarb strawberry cream pie with a dollop of gooey vanilla ice cream! 

 🐱 It’s been a lovely sunny day, the kind with a lot of lovely puffy white clouds. The humidity is a bit lower and the dew point is still at 72, but it’s certainly better than it has been. All is well. 

🐱 My day started with the usual patrol of the house. Nothing much was out of order. I haven’t seen the Great Horned owl I spoke of in my previous letter. Maybe my stern looks did the trick!

🐱 So far I've had a very quiet and uneventful day. My slacker brother Oliver has been sleeping like a sloth and Ma has been doing her daily routine of popping numerous pills and drinking vile liquids.

🐱 A couple days ago Ma was concerned that she hadn’t seen Stumpy the squirrel lately. I swear—one minute hadn’t gone by and there he was scampering all over the yard. Ma was ecstatic!

🐱 I have been taking a lot of breaks from my writing because I just felt as though I needed some time to myself. That happens to all sophisticated authors like myself. So I have spent the past days relaxing, conferring with sunbeams and meditating to clear out my fogged up brain. Plus Ma has been needing extra cuddles, kisses and Intensive Purr Therapy so my batteries have been recharging. I’ll soon be 14 years old [gasp!!] so I need a lot more recharging these days. 

🐱 After a whole long month I’m finally finished with my antibiotic. Now to wait until the 21st to get my urine rechecked and also my annual bloodwork done. 

🐱 Earlier this afternoon Ma and Pa took a trip to the vile vet’s office to refill my kitty cocktail. Ma was giving it to me on an “as needed” basis. She asked the vet how often she could administer it over a month’s time. He told her he was ok with her giving it to me twice a day—every day. Oh boy oh joy—but if it helps my tummy and makes me eat better I guess it’s a win-win. 

🐱 I hope you all have a relaxing weekend. I'm going to continue taking it easy. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, Episode 67–07/26/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

Episode 67–07/26/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. All is well in my little domain. It’s another lovely sunny day. Ma made it outside and is resting with her pillow on the swing enjoying the cool breeze. I kept watch over her from my vantage point for any vile beasts.

🐱 I have been doing better and eating a bit more. I have a week left of taking my antibiotic and I get my urine rechecked and bloodwork done at the vile vet on August 21st. So hopefully everything will come out fine. 

🐱 Yesterday morning I was doing my daily patrolling on the north side of my domain. Pa was eating breakfast and noticed me sitting at the French doors for the longest time giving my sternest looks and lashing my tail. He got up to see what got my attention and there was this humongous Great Horned Owl sitting in our yard! Sadly Ma missed all the excitement since she was in bed. Later he was telling her how the owl was on the ground just sitting on a branch that had fallen and how he thinks the owl might have thought the branch was a small animal. Both Ma and Pa love owls but they’re definitely not welcome in my domain.

🐱 There’s still a lot of cleaning up going on from that bad storm. Lots of lawnmowers roaring, tree service trucks beeping and chainsaws buzzing. A lot of racket! 

🐱 Speaking of making a racket, the neighbors directiy behind us, the ones with all the dogs—they have this new dog that they’ve had for a few months. She’s really a barker and goes on and on. Ma swears they let this dog out longer than they need to just to annoy her. Even Pa gets perturbed and fidgets. He knows if he confronts them it could make the situation worse. Hearing those dogs make me and my slacker brother Oliver nervous too. It’s really getting to be a problem. 

🐱 We have new neighbors across the street and they’re nice—and Ma is happy that they’re going to be quiet. They’ve been gradually moving in for quite awhile now. Pa knows them both since he went to school with them. 

🐱 I hope you all have a delightful evening. Finish off your supper with some yummy carrot cake with real cream cheese frosting. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 66–07/18/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

Episode 66–07/18/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. I hope you’re all doing just peachy. The lineman and tree service workers have been doing an excellent job with getting things back to normal after that scary storm. Yesterday I counted 20 big white trucks just in our neighborhood alone, and that’s just the ones I could see from the window!

🐱 Since I've been taking it easy, the days have been nice and quiet other than putting up with the roar of all the generators the last few days. Our power is back on and all the massive roaring has subsided. I overheard Ma tell Pa this morning that she kind of misses the noise diversion since she now hears the dogs behind us barking. There’s just no winning! 

🐱 The last few months Ma and I have been having a very rough time. I desperately need her to help with my spelling and I haven’t had much inspiration so we’ve both been flunking out. I’m still on my antibiotics. I go back to the vile vet next month for blood work and a urinalysis. I hope this 30 day antibiotic regime kicks this vile UTI to the curb! And I hope it stays away! 

🐱Thankfully I finally started feeling a bit more like myself the last couple days. I’m back to playing more with my toys and have been cuddling and giving Ma much needed Intensive Purr Therapy, cuddles and kisses. 

🐱 Ma has been sticking very close to me and likewise I to her. She gives me back rubs as often as I let her know I need them. It really helps me feel better and I reward her handsomely with the loudest purrs you've ever heard. For good measure I even throw in a few kitty massages. 

🐱 Since I haven’t been quite my lovely self, Oliver has been doing most of the patrolling but he’s not nearly as thorough as I’d like. Pa has had to run off Bunny a few times since she likes to chow down on the black-eyed Susans. Other than that not much has been going on in the vile beast department. 

🐱 I think one of my neighbors is away on vacation. I'm grateful for that because it reduces the amount of stern looks I have to give. I can just focus on resting. Well, I suppose I could really focus on resting if my slacker brother Oliver would leave me the heck alone. He always wants to play which I find very annoying. Unfortunately, when I don't feel well, I have no choice but to resort to violence to get him to stop pestering me. l've had to launch several whacks to his head over the past few weeks. I think he finally got the message and is leaving me be—thank goodness.

🐱 I hope you all have a lovely evening and later sneak in some dessert. Ma has been having a hankerin’ for a big bowl of warm apple crisp with gooey vanilla ice cream. I don’t think she’s going to get it though. Ma and I are going to continue to take it easy and we will both administer kisses for the rest of the day. More about me later…love, Holly

Snippet of my testimony

✝️ When you are raised in a church that always warned about don’t listen to rock and roll, don’t go to dances, don’t play cards because the Joker signifies the Devil, don’t do this or that, and they’re constantly stepping on your toes for the smallest of things, well it’s no wonder I’m unsure of myself and still hobbling and writhing from the pain, shame and guilt they caused. 

✝️ I never once heard the word “grace” spoken in all those churches my folks dragged me to. Every revival, whether it was Pentecostal, Baptist or this one particular Christian church, we were there. I heard everything from you could lose your salvation, to doing good works, to only baptism saves you. 

✝️ I recall in my early teens of one church that really terrified me. Every service all these people would go to the altar and wail and cry. One lady in particular really scared me as she was the loudest. These poor misled people constantly asked for forgiveness of their sins. Can you imagine being told at a young age that if you so much as have one impure thought, listen to the Beatles or dance you’d lose your salvation? I was afraid to do anything for fear of going to hell. That’s all I ever heard—fire and brimstone and I never heard about the love my Heavenly Father had and has for me. None of those people crying at that altar every service had the assurance of their salvation, and neither did I. 

✝️ We are marred by the falsehoods of those teachings. Believing that any infraction of God's laws and also those added by the church would send you straight to hell if you didn't confess, repent and repeat. Sad that no one could ever hope to be good enough to see Jesus. Romans 3:10 As it is written: “There is none righteous, no, not one;” I'm grateful I know the truth from God's Word.

✝️ For some unknown reason my folks had me get me baptized twice—one time in church in the baptismal and once at a lake. I never really understood why they had me get baptized in the first place, let alone do it twice. 

✝️ As a young girl I was very shy. I remember going to my grandparent’s house and standing behind a chair and singing little songs. I even crawled under the bed when this one man would come to our house. I was also very sickly and missed a lot of school. Since I was already shy and backwards, I think being raised in churches like the ones I mentioned molded me, not everyone, into a frightened teenager that was dysfunctional and wary. I was always seeking approval. I was quiet, shy and afraid to even speak at times. I didn’t know how to speak up for myself. Like the old saying goes “Afraid of your shadow”. I was the poster child for that. In the dictionary by the word “fear” was my photograph. It’s no wonder I was constantly a target to be bullied, abused and left out of all the social activities all through school. That all started early on in my school years. I’d go to school and see all these invitations on other’s desks but my desk was always empty. I was never invited to one single birthday party all through school. To add insult to injury, I had cognition problems all through my school years. Sadly I was—and still can be—a target even through all my adult years. I was always a bride since I was married three times, but I was never a bridesmaid. 

✝️ Imagine as a young child and teenager always looking over your shoulder, being scared to death that you were going to say or do something wrong. I never was taught to fear or know the love of God, I feared the wrath of those preachers in those churches and of my folks if I didn’t want to attend church that Sunday or Wednesday night. I even faked being sick at times. 

✝️ When a child is never taught in church about the love of Jesus, in SOME, not ALL circumstances, that older teenager, and on into adulthood, will stray down a very dark path, looking for that love they’ve failed to receive. I know I did—and it ultimately led me down that path I’m certainly not proud of. To name a few it was full of misery, pain, shame, abuse, blame, grief, broken promises, many nights in lonely bars wanting just one true friend—and many times my heart was broken and scarred. My heart still bears many scars. 

✝️ I could write so much more, but to protect the guilty, I’ll stop right here.

✝️ I didn’t know whether I was really saved for many, many decades later; it was actually just the last few months of my life that I have that assurance, and I’m 68 years old. I’m thankful for an online friend who showed me and many others the Truth and Light. 

✝️ Thankfully I know now that my salvation is secure and that I can never lose it. My name is written in the Book of Life and God has no eraser. The Bible clearly tells you that the Holy Spirit is sealed. Now I know I am saved and that I’ll spend eternity with Jesus. I am a child of the King, and He loves me so very much. So much that He died on that cross as the propitiation for all of our sins, and He arose from that tomb the third day. Jesus is alive. Please repent—change your mind—and believe in Him today. Faith in Jesus Christ and His finished work on the cross equals eternal life!

✝️ Ephesians 1:13-14~”In Him you also trusted, after you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation; in whom also, having believed, you were sealed with the Holy Spirit of promise, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until the redemption of the purchased possession, to the praise of His glory.”

✝️ John 10:28-29~”And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand. My Father, which gave them me, is greater than all; and no man is able to pluck them out of my Father’s hand.”

✝️ John 3:15-18~”that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved. He who believes in Him is not condemned; but he who does not believe is condemned already, because he has not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.”

✝️ 1 John 5:11-13~”And this is the testimony: that God has given us eternal life, and this life is in His Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life. These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, that you may know that you have eternal life, and that you may continue to believe in the name of the Son of God.”

Some Kathyisms

SOME KATHYISMS 

* Believe and trust in Jesus

* Have faith 

* Believe in the power of prayer

* Don’t beat yourself up

* Do what you’re able and don’t dwell on what you can’t

* Forgive—even if it’s not reciprocated 

* Don’t let bitterness envelope you 

* Maintain family and friend relationships 

* Take precautions against getting bitten by ticks and other blood sucking vectors

* If you have unexplained weird symptoms, go to a Lyme-literate practitioner

* Always be your own advocate 

* Never lose your sense of humor 

* Drink plenty of water 

* Get up and move, even if you’re only able to walk across the room

* It really is the little things

* Check on those who are ill and/or homebound

* Laugh a lot 

* Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle 

* Share stories

* Don’t care what people think of you 

* Write down your thoughts; you might discover you enjoy writing 

* Find others who share your interests 

* Don’t lose your sense of wonder

* Go outside and listen and watch 

* Be quirky 

* Find a hobby you’re able to do even if it’s watching a series on TV

* Read a good book

* Send a greeting card to brighten someone’s day

* Be curious 

* Be thankful

* Appreciate what you have

* Rest when your body needs it

Pretty in pink

Pretty in pink 🩷 I adore bumble bees 🐝 I love how they turn in early in the evening to sleep, their little bee bums nestled in deep in the zinnia petals, snoozing away.

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, Episode 65–06/29/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

Episode 65–06/29/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. Whew, the last day of June. Can you believe it? The weather has been crazy. I’ve quit watching the vile weatherman. He’s full of lies just like a politician. I have previously written two letters to the Illinois Meteorologist Association about his incompetence. They never even bothered to reply. So I’m catcotting him! 

🐱 I woke up early to bug Ma to feed me. I’ll paw at her face to get her attention but you know what does? She buries her face in the pillow so I can’t paw at her face! I’ve told her time and time again that she’ll get more wrinkles by doing that. I’m a very wise cat but she never listens to me. Tsk tsk.

🐱 So instead of wasting my time trying to rouse her, I decided to begin my daily chores of patroling the house, and my outside territory for vile beasts. This morning I gave Squirrel, Blue Jay and Rabbit my sternest of looks. Rabbit was rummaging in one of the flower beds again. To Ma’s dismay she’s eaten most of the Black-eyed Susans down to a nubbin. Ma hopes she wasn’t eating any of the tender seedlings that are finally growing! 

🐱 While I was still waiting for Ma to get her ample tush out of bed, I reserved what little energy I had left by napping in a glorious sunbeam. 

🐱 Lately Ma has been mixing one of her supplements in a smoothie. I want her to feel better so I’ll get more attention, which I most assuredly deserve. She makes her smoothie with unsweetened apple juice, water, a chunk of banana, and a handful of putrid yucky spinach.

 🐱 Now my slacker brother Oliver loves spinach—he even eats the stems. It’s a healthy treat Ma occasionally gives him. Shortly after he gobbled down three leaves and two stems, he ran to the cat tree and laid upside down attempting to catch his tail. Then he went berserk running through the kitchen and dining area at a full gallop and wiping out on the hardwood floors. He ran all around in a circle on the dining room table chairs, jumping onto the cat tree and back on the table playing with his toy. He was high on spinach just like Popeye! Then after all that he sauntered to his cat bed and drifted off to sleep.

🐱 I have never tried to eat spinach. For that matter, I have no desire to eat spinach. Therefore, I will never eat spinach. 

🐱 I’m sorry this letter is so long. I get carried away just like Ma. I hope you all have a nice and relaxing evening. And no loud and annoying fireworks! More about me later…love, Holly

Journey

 ✳️ Lyme and faith journey: Every day I get out of bed and wonder why; no matter what my “attitude” is, I already know how difficult the day is going to be. Even though I feel weak, achy, my ankle and shin hurting like heck, serious joint pain, and feeling feverish, I drag myself to the kitchen and try to be a human being. I sit at the kitchen island literally gagging down my disgusting gluten-free toast and organic peanut butter with my glass of water. I then literally gag down my antibiotics. I swear those bottles keep automatically refilling as the pills seem to never go down. Then I eat a small bowl of dry unsweetened gluten-free cereal to try to avoid further stomach upset. You know how you try to swallow something and your throat tightens up and it doesn’t want to go down? You get a sick feeling in your gut? Yeah, that’s it. Every single time when I’m eating that toast and peanut butter. But again, it’s been that way now for all kinds of food. It’s a struggle to eat which I only do for sustenance. And treatment has only just begun. 

✳️ It’s all extremely difficult. My Lyme-literate doctor previously suggested I wait until fall to start antibiotic treatment, so I could enjoy the summer. I replied fall is our time of the year to get out and enjoy so I’d prefer to wait until then. He agreed. 

✳️ But my tick-borne diseases again raised their demonic heads and I became extremely sick, so this past spring is when the treatment officially started. These two antibiotics I’m taking are only Phase 1. 

✳️ Here it is June 29th and Brian and I haven’t had one country drive or picnic. Going stir-crazy doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel. And the clincher: I’m pretty sure I’m going to be this sick at least the rest of the year, probably longer. 

✳️ I only know that through my massive trials, pain, and anger, if I don’t run to Jesus and lean into His truth, I’m sunk. I don’t always “feel” the words that I’m crying out; but I know the Lord understands me through and through as I blunder and whisper my words of despair and my words of worship and praise to Him. I also know the truth that He is near to the brokenhearted; and that gives me such hope. For those things I’m most grateful. I beg for Him to remind me of His sacrifice for each of us that is a cross we never could have borne. I just have to focus my eyes on Jesus or I will literally shrivel to nothingness and go crazy. I don’t want to become a bitter, narcissistic individual, but in my fleshly nature, that’s my tendency. I’m just trying to fight that like a lot of you are. We are in this battle together and Satan is our enemy.  

✳️ It’s a journey we’re all on; just like the Israelites were—praising Jesus, following Him wholeheartedly, forgetting His promises, getting overwhelmed and sinning, becoming aware of our sinfulness, and so the cycle goes. Thankfully, we serve a God that truly is loving and gracious and patient with us as we go through that journey, and His Word says that there is no temptation that has seized us that is not common to man. So we all struggle, and the Lord also understands and has been tempted in every way like we are. He didn’t want to endure pain and suffering any more than we want to endure our pain and suffering. He graciously draws us back to Him; walks by our side; never leaves us. He gives us the space we need to grieve. 

~~MUSINGS~~

 ~~MUSINGS~~

⚡️  In the past I never shared with anyone about my desires. They were always buried deep inside my soul. I bottled up every emotion I ever had. 

⚡️ I was sadly unable to bear children due to a couple of medical conditions. I have been told by my Lyme practitioner that my tick-borne diseases were the main factor. If by some miracle I had become pregnant, the baby would not have made it past the first trimester because of an antibody I have. I had to have a hysterectomy in my thirties, which should have been done in my twenties. 

⚡️ It has been almost 50 years and these sweet names still break my heart. I had chosen the name for a girl as Sarah Elizabeth or if I had twins it would have been Sarah and Elizabeth (Beth). For a boy my choice was Charles (after my dad) Benjamin or if I’d had twin boys it would have been Charles (Charlie) and Benjamin (Ben). 

⚡️ Sadly adoption was never an option for me. Unbeknownst to me, my first ex absolutely detested children and he had the audacity to tell me I would be a terrible Mother, you can’t even take care of your cat. I was shocked! He took care of cats; he shot them. My second ex was adamantly against adoption and would not even consider it. In my present marriage all three of his adult children have nothing to do with me. 

⚡️We plan our lives like we control what happens; but in reality, we have zero control. Do I still mourn over my losses? You betcha. Whenever I see a sweet little girl or boy’s face. Whenever I hear the laughter and see families out together. When I hear people talking about their children in real life or on social media. Seeing children is a reminder of what I never had so I try my best to set my mind on something else. The angst never leaves my heart; and the torment and pain run deep.  

⚡️Sometimes when I’m in a pensive mood, I wonder if God protected me and my unborn child by not being able to conceive. Tick-borne diseases can be passed in utero to the baby. If I had passed any of these insidious diseases to my unborn baby I would have been absolutely devastated. Though I do have to wonder why adoption wasn’t an option for me. I know God always knows best and He never makes mistakes. I have to accept that He already knew I’d be very ill most all of my life. 

⚡️I have never fully accepted the way this has turned out for me. As I get older I’m more lonely than I’ve ever been. Hearing the sounds of my own children and grandchildren laughing and playing I’ll never have the pleasure to experience. I’m very thankful for my kitties, and loving and caring for them helps me with my maternal instincts. I believe God is showing me some of His love through all the cats I’ve had over the years. 

⚡️ Life can be a sad and painful journey. Better things await when I spend eternity with Jesus ❤️

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, Episode 64–06/26/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

Episode 64–06/26/2024 

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. It’s been a long time. I hope you’re all enjoying this lovely day and gorging yourself on lemon layer cake with gobs of yummy frosting and raspberry iced tea. All is well in my humble abode. 

🐱 One reason I haven’t written is I’ve been so busy with patrolling my territory. This is the season for creepy bugs so I’m hunting in every crook and dark cranny of the house. Slacker boy Oliver helps out and I hate to admit it, but he’s a far better hunter than I’ll ever be. I just don’t have the tolerance. I’m just too full of tortitude! 

🐱 There has also been all the outside vile beasts to contend with. In all my born days I’ve never had to give so many stern looks as I’ve had to the last few weeks. Chippy the chipmunk thinks she owns the little back porch. She scurries across it, and then across the patio and then back again. Then she has the audacity to hide underneath the porch and peeks her little fat-cheeked head out—and taunts me! It’s so unnerving! Chippy wears me out just watching her. She is such a nervous wee rodent. I mean, much to my chagrin, I am an older kitty, but I’m a wise one and know not to get myself too riled up. 

🐱 Another reason I haven’t written is that Ma has been so ill and I’ve had to keep a watchful eye on her and try to make her comfortable. This can be a full time job for a cat and I just have to make time to get my eight hours of beauty sleep! 

🐱 Sadly, this morning Ma was having a bad reaction to a drug she started yesterday. She was having chest discomfort, nervousness and some tachycardia thrown in. She's finally feeling better though still a bit of tachycardia going on, and she has been as weak as a kitten all day. Of course, this all meant I had to clear my busy schedule to allow me to administer Emergency Intensive Purr Therapy for her. I even threw in a little kitty massage. So, unfortunately, l've not accomplished any of my daily goals but, I suppose if it helps Ma, it's okay.

🐱 I hope you all have a lovely evening and get plenty of rest and relaxation. I'm going to continue giving Emergency Intensive Purr Therapy to Ma to hopefully make sure her drug reactions are gone. More about me later…love, Holly

Traumatic Abuse

 📌 If you have experienced any kind of childhood trauma or abuse your mind learned early on that trusting people and being close to anyone causes pain. So naturally, as an adult, your brain will tell you to put walls up so you don’t get hurt again. That’s a defense mechanism, a fight or flight response which is a huge stressor for your nervous system. It affects your well-being, your immune system and ultimately your physical and mental health. You tend to avoid people, at times even pushing them away, fearing they will eventually hurt or abandon you just like you’ve experienced in the past. 

📌 I’m presently talking about trauma and abuse from people the child knew, not anything caused from complete strangers. Every scenario is different but in some cases you looked up to and valued that person. Maybe they were your hero. You unconditionally loved that person, wanted to please them and do whatever they asked. And you vehemently trusted them—whether it was a brother, another family member, or a friend of the family. You wouldn’t think they would ever hurt you or have cause to hurt you. Then after the incident occurs the abuser may say “not to tell anyone. It’s our secret” so you don’t. 

📌 You carry this “secret” with you for many, many decades. If you’re an overly sensitive child it affects you all through adolescence and in some cases, into adulthood. You do certain things that your parents yell at you for doing and you don’t understand why. The child’s mind is thinking “It was done to me so why is it wrong? Why am I getting in trouble?” You go to your abuser wanting love and they refuse you, and it hurts bad. Then to add insult to injury, you may be raised in a household never hearing the words “I love you”. You learn early on to keep your thoughts, hurts, abuse, and struggles inside and never verbalize them to anyone. You suffer in silence. No visible scars on the outside, but your heart and soul are so scarred and damaged. All the child ever wanted was to be shown love, understanding and compassion. All children need to feel safe and need to know they can freely talk to their parents about anything. 

📌 The effects of abuse can escalate and turn into a domino effect, affecting every fiber of the child’s life until the grave. It could escalate into the child not speaking up for themselves, putting up with bullying in school and even into adulthood. The child may grow up and marry someone who has abusive and/or narcissistic traits. As an adult you may “act out” by drinking too much, having sexual addictions, going from job to job, and like the song says, “looking for love in all the wrong places”. It continues on and on. 

📌 As an adult you may seek counseling numerous times, and dredging up these stories over and over is just too much. It’s too stressful and painful. 

📌 Sadly, that adult is still that five year old little girl that trusted someone she loved. 

📌 Watch for signs of abuse in your child; be in tune to your child’s behavior. Any change, no matter how small, can signal something is not right and that something is going on. Some signs aren’t as obvious as others. If you suspicion anything at all, please don’t ignore it. The child will thank you.

Sweet blessings

 🌺 I sat on our patio a bit this morning. It was only for half an hour since the dew point and humidity is so high. But I sat there long enough to enjoy the breeze and to hear the beautiful songs and chirping of the birds. And what a sweet blessing to see Stumpy, our resident stump-tailed squirrel, frolicking all over the yard! He is so much fun to watch. It’s so healing to my nervous system to be out enjoying God’s glorious creation. 

🌺 Here’s a few photos of part of our patio. Brian recently made me the bench that’s towards the back—I only asked him to make me one 15 years ago 😉😁

Wondering if…

 WONDERING IF

In the morning when I rise

I pop my pills

And rub my eyes 

Feeling as if I’m trudging steep hills 

When I go to the bathroom I hobble

And to the kitchen I weave and wobble

Always in so much pain

Wondering what there is to gain 

I wish I had some pep

Watching my every step 

So I won’t stumble

I try so hard not to grumble

As I make my coffee

I wish it was flavored with toffee

I sit and drink it with my toast

And wish I’d never been diagnosed 

As I pop some more pills

Wishing I still had some thrills 

It’s the same old song and dance

I wish I’d had the chance 

To go off somewhere 

Life can be so unfair 

Every day is the same 

It really is a shame 

Someone like me 

Who had possibilities 

I go through my days 

Sometimes in a complete haze 

Wondering what could have been 

If I’d been born in someone else’s skin

Glimmers

🌼 We all need glimmers but especially those of us with chronic diseases. Glimmers of hope are especially crucial to our healing and well-being.  

🌼 As most of you know, I’ve been very sick this past week. I can hardly manage to walk from room to room. Every step takes massive amounts of energy and the intense pain shooting up through the soles of my feet, toes, legs and knees also make it difficult. But there’s God—He walks beside me and holds my hand. He is my Glimmer. My Hope. 

🌼 I have always been blessed with being easily entertained. One of my glimmers is being outside in my yard enjoying God’s beautiful creation. Seeing a butterfly or hummingbird flit among the flowers is a tiny moment of awe for me. I can feel the warmth and joy well up deep from inside my heart at the tinniest of things. I know that God created me to be this way. He knew I’d have painful struggles throughout my entire life. He made me sensitive to enjoy the smallest of things, down to every minute detail. 

🌼 As I was sitting at the kitchen island enjoying the flowers through the windows of the French doors, I had to try to get outside on the patio. It was a hard journey but I made it. I wanted to hear the birds and smell the sweet scent of the flowers. I had a glimmer and it was worth the struggle to hobble to the patio. 

🌼 So perhaps many see me as a person living in only a shell of what I should be. I’m not diminishing anyone’s health journey but I know that my health journey began with God and will end with God. I try to remember “why” I’m here and not fix my focus on anything but Him, including my health. My health is important and I need to get better, but He is my priority. He’s my #1 Glimmer. Satan tries to blind me by making my health my #1 priority, but then God steps in and I remember He is. God will guide me. He brought me to it and He will get me through it. 

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, Episode 63–06/16/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

Episode 63–06/16/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. Hope this finds all you Dads out there having a good day. Me and Oliver remembered to give Pa his Father’s Day card this morning. It made him chuckle. He and Ma take good care of us. 

🐱 Lately the vile weatherman has certainly forecasted the weather right—Ma wishes he was wrong. The next couple weeks are supposed to be hot and humid ones. Ma loves to be outside so maybe there’ll be some reprieves in there. 

🐱 In other mews, there was some excitement at my house yesterday morning. I had finished my chore of patrolling and a big fat squirrel jumped up on the back porch and made it very clear he was going to torment me. He looked me squarely in the eye and wiggled his bushy tail. We were sitting there nose-to-nose. I've never been so disgusted in my life. I swatted at him from the French doors and, sadly, I cussed him out when I told him to leave my house alone. He just laughed, stuck his tongue out at me, and scurried off the porch. I swear I feel like I'm surrounded by vile, degenerate beasts. I was livid! As usual Ma didn’t have her camera with her. I think it was the same vile squirrel that was trying to spar with me through the same window a couple days ago. 

🐱 Stumpy, our resident stump-tailed squirrel, paid us a surprise visit this morning. He’s very brave and was up pretty close to the French doors. Ma was doing her oohing and awing and watching the fat little guy rummage around in the grass for food. 

🐱 Ma has been concerned over not seeing our resident male cardinal for quite awhile. He’s always with his mate and she’s been showing up alone at the suet feeder. This morning they were together. All Ma can figure is that the cicadas have dwindled down and he’s no longer gorging on them. Whatever the reason, seeing him made Ma happy. 

🐱 I hope you all have a lovely evening. Be sure to crank the AC up and drink lots of ice cold lemonade and eat some yummy crumpets. I'm going to nap in the abundant sunbeams. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 62–06/13/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

EPISODE 62–6/13/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. I haven’t checked in for over a week so I thought I’d better write a few lines. All is well on the ole homestead. 

🐱 The vile weatherman has sorta kinda been right since we got an inch of rain last week but I heard Ma say we do need more. I heard Ma tell Pa that the ground is as hard as concrete. It’s gonna be a hot humid one today. I like that kind of weather since Ma will be in the house more and we can cuddle and I can give her my special intensive Purr Therapy. 

🐱 I’ve been busy basking in warm sun beams, enjoying lots of naps and patrolling my territory. A few nights ago I had to give a deer the sternest of my stern looks to get out of my domain. She looked directly at me and promptly deposited a massive pile of evidence of her presence. Then this morning while Ma was busy getting a couple supplements ready, I was patrolling the north side and loudly alerted her to Mrs. Bunny chowing down on one of Ma’s prized purple coneflowers. Ma got outside so fast it was like the house was on fire and the bunny saw her coming and quickly hopped away. Chippy the resident chipmunk has been hanging around more. She just burrows deep in the grass to find food so even though she’s vile, she doesn’t bother too much. But then again she’s been around so much she just ignores my stern looks. 

🐱 A couple days ago Ma got her blue cicada cap in the mail. I think she had forgotten ordering it because when Pa handed her the package she had no idea what she could have ordered. She’ll be proudly wearing that thing all over God’s beautiful creation, and it completely embarrasses me. She also had the audacity to wear her cicada t-shirt to her doctor’s appointment last week. Wearing it around home is one thing, but out in public? Why on earth would anyone celebrate those noisy vile cicadas? Completely absurd!!

🐱 Before I go I should mention that Oliver is now 12 years old. Now I’m waiting for him to act like it. Pa commented last night about how he’s so playful and acts like he’s a one year old. I can attest to that for completely different reasons! He’s been staying on Pa’s good side. The other day Pa was in the bedroom and Oliver jumped on the bed and gifted him a dead fly. That’s huge since Oliver generally eats them! 

🐱 Enjoy your day and try to stay cool. I’m going to find that sunbeam that I hear calling my name. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 61–06/03/2024

 HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

EPISODE 61–06/03/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. It’s a lovely and sunny but very windy day. Still no rain but there is some forecasted for tomorrow. So we will see how the vile weatherman screws that up. 

🐱 Pa got home from Indiana around 10:00 last night. Ma ended up watching two movies and ate some Death By Chocolate ice cream. It sure smelled yummy. Me and slacker boy Oliver gave Ma a lot of attention throughout the evening. 

🐱 On another note, it’s been a quiet day on the home front other than hearing those vile loud cicadas. Ma calls it singing—I call it a complete uproar! Will it ever end!?

🐱 Ma is so tired today. Well in all honesty, she was tired all weekend. There’s times I hear her tell Pa that she gets so tired she’s fearful her cancer is back. Whatever cancer is. I’ve been staying away from the bedroom at night in hopes she can go to sleep, but she still can’t very much. As I was patrolling for vile beasts around 11:30 last night, I heard Ma sobbing in bed. I don’t like to see her so sad. 

🐱 Slacker boy and I have been resting in the dining room cat tree all afternoon. It’s an excellent vantage point to see the entire back yard for any vile beasts that might creep into my territory. All I could see on the patio was Chippy, our resident chipmunk, and a little Chippy. So now we know—Chippy must be a girl. 

🐱 Ma didn’t do much today. She was in the swing for awhile. She tries to do something called earthing every day. It’s supposed to help her conditions though I don’t see how it could. It’s more than my walnut-sized brain can understand. Humans are just plain weird. I also saw her on the chaise lounge and she laid there for well over an hour. I think she might have fallen asleep. If I was her I’d be afraid of those cicadas crawling up my nose. I watched carefully from the window to make sure nothing vile got ahold of her. 

🐱 Pa left around 3:30 to go chase that little white ball all over the countryside. I’d think this wind would whisk that little ball off to Peoria County! He’ll be home pretty early. Ma will be coming back in the house in a bit to feed us. I threw up some of my breakfast this morning so I hope I do better for supper. And soon it’ll be another cuddle and intensive Purr Therapy night for Ma. 

🐱 I hope you all have a relaxing evening. Maybe buy some of that ice cream I mentioned earlier. Ma really likes it. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 60–06/02/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

EPISODE 60–06/02/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. Hope this finds you doing ok this fine Sunday. The weatherman screwed up again. I guess I need to take a minute away from my serious napping and write another letter to the Illinois Board of Meteorologists. When it’s supposed to rain, it’s sunny. When it’s supposed to rain, it’s cloudy with just a drizzle. There’s rain forecasted the next three days—maybe we’ll finally get a decent amount. Pa told Ma we got .3 of the wet stuff yesterday which is appreciated, but we need more. Ma is chomping at the bit wanting God’s lovely rain on her flower gardens. 

🐱 Pa keeps watching the radar for rain like he watches a Cardinals baseball game. Which reminds me, I’ll never understand baseball any more than I do golf. All I know is that in both sports a white ball is involved. I enjoy chasing a ball around too but it’s not classified as a sport! Maybe it should be? Cats rule! Especially me. 

🐱 Ma is a bit sad today. Pa left earlier to go to

Indiana. I heard Ma cautiously ask Pa what the celebration is today since he’s wearing good khaki pants and not his usual khaki shorts. One of his granddaughters is graduating. Ma fondly remembers this granddaughter when she was a little girl of 3 and now here she is graduating from high school and will be attending Purdue University. She was Ma’s favorite of the three girls. Ma told me she used to play with her a lot and draw pictures. I don’t like to see Ma feeling so down. Maybe she’ll have some chocolate ice cream later tonight while she’s watching something on TV. It might make her feel better. I will also be on her lap and give her intensive Purr Therapy and slow blinks. Maybe slacker boy Oliver will be close beside her too. 

🐱 I’ve been doing really well since the last time I wrote. I had a day or two where I didn’t eat enough to suit Ma but I buckled down and started eating like a racehorse again. Ma is higher than a kite when I do well. 

🐱 Last night I was playing with my new pink mouse again and Ma was ecstatic and loved watching me. I was showing off and being my absolute cutest self. I’d throw it in the air and catch it! It’s so much fun. My pink mouse is my new favorite. 

🐱 It has been rather quiet and uneventful around the ole homestead. I’ve been watching birds but they’re not as vile as some the creatures that have the audacity to cross into my territory. There hasn’t been quite as many birds at the suet feeder the last few weeks since they have been gorging themselves on cicadas. I see our resident cardinal pair fly through but they never stop at the feeder any more. I’d never eat one of those noisy cicadas myself, but the birds and squirrels sure love them. Cicadas are vile and I constantly give them my sternest looks!

🐱 Enjoy the rest of your day. I’m going to continue napping. Maybe I’ll entertain Ma later by playing with my pink mouse. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 59–05/21/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

EPISODE 59–05/21/2024

🐈‍⬛ Hi everyone. This is Oliver. Holly is the slacker today and is off napping in the dining room, so I thought I’d be sneaky and take this opportunity to write a little bit—about ME! After all, I am called an opportunist by Ma and Pa. Please bear with me as I don’t have the spelling and vocabulary skills like my “older” sister. 

🐈‍⬛ Never ever leave even one bread crumb on the counter because I’ll be sure and find it. Don’t even think of turning away from your plate of food even for one nano second because I’ll be right there stealing a bite—or two. If the tiniest of tiny morsel of food falls to the floor, I’ll hear it and use my stealth hunting skills to find it. I admit I’m a klutz but when it comes to hunting, I am as cunning as a fox. For Pa has designated me as the “Mighty Hunter”. 

🐈‍⬛ If you see a lumpy blanket please do not sit on it. I love to burrow under anything and you could end up squishing me. That would be a tragedy. 

🐈‍⬛ One of the things that annoy both Ma and Pa is my innate ability to sometimes (not always) yowl for food way before it’s feeding time. This can really put Ma over the edge because of her sense of hearing high decibels.

🐈‍⬛ I just want to clear the air. Holly the naysayer gives me a bad rap. Yeah, I know I can be very annoying and give her a rough time—even though I’m neutered I’m still all boy—BUT you have to understand MY point of view—she is completely full of tortitude! Sometimes I just want to give her ears a good cleaning or give her a bath in places she can’t reach, but then she starts in throwing a hissy fit and squalls at the top of her lungs! Ma rushes into the room thinking I’m trying to kill her! Good grief! 

🐈‍⬛ I also want to toot my own horn here for a wee bit. My first and foremost job is to be cute—that’s it. All I have to do is bat my big green eyes and I get my way. No matter what my sister says, I’m a very sweet and affectionate kitty. I love to head bunt Ma and Pa and be near them. I adore being petted, massaged and enjoy a good combing. Even though I’m not as needy as my sister, I still love to cuddle up close to them. Ma calls me a good boy all the time. 

🐈‍⬛ No matter WHAT Holly says, I think I do my share of patrolling around the house and am on the ball and watch out for vile beasts lurking in the yard. She’s off napping somewhere when I’m looking under the furniture and in every little crack and crevice. I do not have to report back to her but I do out of common courtesy. One must respect your elders. 

🐈‍⬛ Well I’d better go before she wakes up and catches me—errr I mean I need to bask in a sunbeam. Enjoy this lovely day! Until next time…love, Oliver

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 58–05/20/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

EPISODE 58–05/20/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. It’s a windy one—batten down the hatches! The vile weatherman forecasted that it’s supposed to be cloudy all day but here it is almost 1:00 p.m. and it’s still sunny. There’s supposed to be some rain later, so we will see. I overheard Pa saying he wanted to get the yard mowed before it starts so I’ll be hearing that vile noise in a bit. 

🐱 It has been fairly quiet on the home front the last few days so nothing too newsworthy to write about. I’m still not eating all that great so Ma started me on another three-day cocktail at 5:30 a.m. and I ate like a piggy later for breakfast. Now she doesn’t know if I was just overly hungry or the first dose was already helping. All I know is that I was hungry! Life is such a conundrum! 

🐱 Yesterday Pa was gone all day in Missouri so Ma was a bit sad. She was sick most of the morning but then started feeling better. So even though it was ghastly hot, she got out and did something. I’m proud of her. Tomorrow is something called “bulky pick-up” and everyone puts stuff they don’t want curb side. Ma loves this day! Pa cringes as he never knows what she’ll be dragging home. Me and Oliver don’t care as long as it’s not any more cats or vile beasts. She took off with the old pickup after lunch and rode around town looking for treasures. The A/C is broken so it got pretty hot for her but she persevered! She was on a mission! The first treasure she found was right across the street. It’s a really cool old white adjustable chaise lounge with funky bright orange, yellow and green flowered cushions—it’s in excellent condition! She’s been wanting one for a long time but they’re so pricey. Then she chanced upon two old metal chairs that are in really good shape. She asked some complete stranger to load them in the back of the truck! The way I look at it is that these “so-called” treasures are just something else for Pa to store in the winter. 

🐱 Earlier Ma drank her coffee on the patio—she loves to watch and listen to all the birds. The cicadas were competing with their singing but Ma told me later that they didn’t bother her since her ears have been making similar noises since 2009. Pa showed Ma all the cicada shells that are all over the big maple trees and plants. They don’t seem to fly very fast so I’m sure they’ll be good snacks for the birds. 

🐱 I hope you all have a lovely day. I’m going to nap the rest of the day. Maybe Ma will join me later—she’s been so exhausted the last few months. More about me later…love, Holly

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER, EPISODE 56–05/11/2024

HOLLY’S CAT LETTER

EPISODE 56–05/11/2024

🐱 Hi to all my admirers. It has been a few days so I thought I’d better check in and write a few lines. I know how much you all miss me. It’s an absolutely beautiful sunny day! I predict I will be basking in glorious sunbeams!

🐱 On another note, I still have three more days of antibiotic to take for my UTI. Ma had to start me back on yet another three-day dose of my cocktail since I haven’t been eating the greatest. She doesn’t want me to lose weight. I finally gained enough so I don’t look scrawny. 

🐱 Slacker boy Oliver is being his usual ornery self. He’s pretty self-sufficient and eats like a piggy, but Ma doesn’t take that for granted and keeps a watchful eye out for him too. He was in rare form yesterday. He terrorized the house most of the day! Running around and making his usual war whoops. I have to admit he’s a funny boy. 

🐱 Oliver finally earned SOME of his keep and did some patrolling for vile beasts yesterday afternoon. He reported back to me and told me all he saw was a family of squirrels—Mama, Papa and two youngins’. They were having fun playing in the yard and then all four abruptly made a bee line up the ole maple tree. There’s a big nest up there and Pa thinks that’s their home. I was telling Oliver that if I were a squirrel I’d sure be living in this yard. There’s plenty of bird baths to drink from, shelter in all the flowers, shrubs and big trees. Lots of food too—acorns, walnuts, hickory nuts and helicopter maple seeds to name a few. 

🐱 I patrolled a little with Oliver yesterday. We watched Ma and Pa from our vantage point by the French doors. Ma was doing a stellar job of supervising Pa as he was planting flowers. Oliver was getting himself all worked up and in quite a state when he saw this little bunny sitting right next to Pa. He thought it was going to bite Pa’s hand! I sat there gazing at him in disbelief and thought how much stupid resides in that pointy black head? I told him “Oliver! That’s a pretend bunny! It’s made out of something fake called concrete!”

🐱Seems I’m in the mood to write about my slacker brother today. I’ve had to learn to put up with him for almost 12 years—his birthday is celebrated the middle of June. I have been grieving ever since he moved in. There is no getting rid of him, so I have had to learn to cope with his existence. It hasn’t been easy. As you all have heard me say, I’m the Queen of this ship! I’ve threatened to throw him into the brig more than once! 

🐱 I have to skedaddle. I have to get busy and earn my keep. I’m in the mood to give some stern looks to whatever crosses into my domain. Yesterday a corgi was awfully close! He was the very same corgi that made a vile mess in my domain last year and his owner didn’t bother to clean it up! 

🐱 Enjoy your Saturday. It’s National Eat What You Want Day so you have my permission to overindulge! So go ahead and eat that second piece of Dutch apple pie with extra scoops of vanilla ice cream. More about me later…love, Holly

Having A Grandma’s Heart

I sadly have many regrets 

As I became very weak

In the year of 2008

I was no longer strong 

I was traumatized

And lost most of my independence

I quickly declined and became more ill 

All because of how I was treated

When I started dating a man

In the year of 2008

My heart grew to deeply care about him

And I was hoping his little family 

Would love me that much too

But instead of being loved like I wanted 

I was bullied

Scrutinized and judged

Laughed at, put down 

Verbally attacked 

All quietly done in secret

Behind his turned back

Just like they wanted 

As I was from the other side of the track 

I gave up

And quit trying 

Everything went downhill

I just wanted a real family

With kids and grandkids

Since I was unable to have my own 

I thought it would get better 

Thought time would heal the pain

But it didn’t at all  

Just like my health 

It all just took a turn for the worse 

And I experienced no gains 

I look back now and wish

I had been stronger

Had stood and spoken up

Had overcome their abuse

Had handled it differently 

But turn the other cheek they say 

Be the bigger person 

So I kept quiet and prayed

But all I ever wanted

Was a real family 

Abuse is a killer

Trauma is a killer

Stress is a killer 

All I ever wanted vanished 

My heart was crushed 

Babies were snatched from my arms 

Toddlers no longer sat on my lap

Five and six year olds did not understand why 

Where did she go?

Will she come back and play?

Papa please bring her with you next time. 

Holidays are now spent alone 

And have no meaning 

His kids and grandkids 

Are far away and we are home alone 

He goes to his family gatherings

And I stay home 

Many years have slowly gone by

I have no memories of happy parties 

Or presents and gooey cakes

No laughter or kissing boo-boos

No hugs or sticky kisses

Or hearing the words “I love you”

Refrigerator door is empty and bears no photos

Or squiggly drawings colored with love

For grandma has an empty heart 

No cookies to bake

No bedtime stories to tell

About Jesus, flowers and bugs

Or snuggly kittens, warm puppies and snakes 

No giggles or warm fuzzy hearts

No zoos, or swings or picnics 

No making snow angels or tarts 

For grandma has an empty heart

I sit by the window

Through dull eyes I see 

What should have been 

Instead of seeing happy memories 

My eyes are brimming with tears

That are burning and searing down my cheeks 

For a grandma’s heart 

Should be filled with a child’s love

And not full of empty aches and pain

I have a grandma’s heart 

That should overflow  

With the love from pink chubby cheeks 

And little arms around my neck 

Having so much love to give 

My heart bursts open wide 

And emptiness resides instead 

Watching life as it passes me by

Still wishing I had been stronger

But wishing will not change

The hurt of what should have been

Will always last a lot longer 

Instead of having children in my life

I fill it with purrs from sweet kitties 

And a husband that loves me

I know he has his own regrets

As he has to wish things were different 

But no matter how much illness comes my way

He is always there by my side

As we whittle the time away 

Though the pain never leaves my heart

And time does not heal

For grandma has an empty heart

Just some thoughts…

 🔅I am thankful for a compassionate LLMD and husband who understand how I have to go through my tick-borne disease treatment very slow, especially with having two MTHFR gene mutations. Because of these mutations I recently had to stop taking two supplements and one drug due to having terrible reactions. I’m not going to sugar coat this—it’s going to be an extremely rough road with antibiotics, supplements, herbs, and whatever else that is part of the protocol—and subsequently there will be a lot of herxing. I’ve read, not necessarily comprehended, about some of the things I’ll have to go through. I don’t think I’ll be able to do the entire protocol—for me it would be having to address and treat every single organ and cell in my body. As time goes along I’ll discuss my concerns with my LLMD and my husband. There’s some things I’ll just refuse to do, plain and simple. 

🔅I have been experiencing some emotional turmoil because I’ve been receiving treatment for nearly seven years but only a small percentage of my health problems were addressed. I’m thankful I had this treatment because I think it helped, but yet it didn’t help since the rest of my health problems weren’t given the proper attention. Hence those health problems escalated. It would be kind of like having your exhaust system on your car replaced but the mechanic left the damaged muffler intact. 

🔅At my age I wonder if it’s worth it to put myself through all this, but I’ve got to have some quality to my life. I’m tired of having no social life and basically being homebound, except for an occasional spin in my wheelchair. I’ve had to recently cancel two activities and that made me extremely sad, especially when one was a graduation party for one of “my girls”. 

🔅Please don’t get caught up in someone “understanding” exactly what you’re going through, no one fully will. Focus on the people willing to stand beside you while you walk through it. When you do find "those rare individuals” that are willing to walk through it with you, hold onto them. I find it’s difficult and exhausting to be with someone who will not listen, and not judge—or they question how you are feeling, or why you’re not better, or why is someone else better and you’re not, or they don’t understand there are days you just don’t feel good or up to doing anything. Then there’s the comparisons which make you feel worse yet—or they just plain not believe you and that you’re exaggerating or making it all up. Or completely abandon you when you’re at your worst. 

🔅When having unrelenting widespread pain and achiness, sluggishness, flu-like feelings to where you don’t want to get out of bed, your circle of "true" people dwindles. I’m tired of trying to convince some people—it’s exhausting. Especially when you’re bombarded with 20 questions. The struggle is real. There’s nothing more than I’d like to have than to be a part of a “normal” conversation with someone without health issues being mentioned. 

🔅Nobody will truly understand until they experience it first hand. They may say they do, but in all honesty, they do not.